Wanted

Snappy the Crocodile

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My Top Ten Commodities

Chock the Chimp Commodity

10. Chock the Chimp

With his lolling tongue and pudding bowl hair, he is as cute as a Special Needs child and twice as huggable.

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9. Pogo the Clown

Extremely rare Commodity, produced by a fast food chain to commemorate Brian Dennehy's performance as John Wayne Gacy in "To Catch a Killer". Ronald McDonald it ain't!

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8. Dai the Sheep

The tush tag is battered and hanging off, but I have a soft spot for this, the thousandth Commodity I ever purchased.

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7. Jade the Pig

A green pig.

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6. Bugs the fly

I like sitting on the toilet and feeling all his eyes. His many eyes. The things he's seen. The things he's seen…

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5. Snowie the Mongoose

If he bites you, he tells you to put ointment on the wound in perfect English.

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4. Seaweed the Octopus

Seven legs. A rarity. These tend to crop up in Scandinavia for some reason. Beware normal Inky's that have had a leg snipped off. It's not the same.

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3. Where the Wild Things Are (complete set)

These are all apparently based on Mo Mowlem, or the hair at least. But a fine set nonetheless. V. rare.

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2. Sid James Bear (Carry on Henry)

Tough choice as I have every Sid James Carry On Bear available on the market, and I love them all. I even have a "Bless this House" Commodity, which turned out to be fake. (Eyes too big). But I cherish it anyway. As I do Sid.

Blurred image of crocodile Commodity

1. Snappy the Crocodile

Any serious collector will know why this means so much to me. They all come up to me at the fairs and ask was it worth it, I always tell them the same thing. "No, I didn't think it through properly", but at least I've held him. Not many people can say that.

Some highlights from my collection

Having traded in Commodities and associated plush toys I have, I'm not afraid to say it, amassed a small fortune. This has enabled me to purchase many objects d'art and bibelots, as well as fine art paintings and rare antique furniture. I keep these under lock and key in my own home, and though I am now without the use of my eyes, my carers and helpers will describe them to me and assure that they are kept in good repair.

Tips

Spotting a Fake

Commodities are notoriously easy to fake. There are many tell-tale signs however that give the fakes away. Look for any of the following:

  • Eyes too big
  • Vague smell of vomit
  • Eyes too small
  • Tush tag embossed on one side only
  • Plush can only be stroked in one direction
  • Real bird's feathers (on, for example, 'Trevor the Peacock')
  • Overstuffed with beans (as, for example, 'Trumps the Elephant')
  • Cold nose
  • Tags with Ching-Chong style writing on them
  • Foil teeth
  • Genitals are too detailed
  • Weighs more than a bag of sugar(too heavy) or less than an A4 envelope(too light)
  • Single stitch paws (on, for example, 'Clicks the Bear')
  • Overstuffed tail (on, for example, 'Splits the Beaver')
  • Vague smell of urine

Profile

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The holy of holies

Welcome to my seller's page. If you have left it to the last minute and want to quickly buy a fluffy teddy for your niece's birthday - please leave this page now. Look elsewhere.

This domain is for serious collectors only. If you don't know that WMTT stands for "With Mint Tush Tag" then may I humbly suggest you pay a visit to "Toys'R'us" and ask one of the greasy faced youths to take you to an appropriate aisle. If however, you have received a collection of unwanted Commodities, perhaps via the unexpected death of little Timmy or Tammy, you may send me images and a thorough description and I will give a free evaluation of their current market worth.

Other considerations to bear in mind before making a purchase

Consideration #1: Does the item come from a smoke-free home?

Tobacco stinks. It makes fingers stink, clothes stink, people stink, even the water coming out of your tap - stink. Being blind my senses are heightened. In fact I can now sense the dirty nicotine spit that has licked the stamp on a new delivery and I reject it immediately, with an instant "Return to sender" sticker. There are individuals out there that deal in Commodities from smoke homes. These include:

And for the more discerning collector, ex-'Play Away' presenter Toni Arthur runs a small specialist site for Commodities that have come from pipe and cigar smoking homes. This is a very specialised end of the market. Do not waste her time.

Consideration #2: Do you have space for your growing collection?

It is unfair on the toys if you have to split up the collection down the line, because you run out of space. What for instance, would be the point of purchasing the Mitchell Commodity, only to separate it from the Webb Commodity? A shelf in the spare room is not sufficient, and I would urge you to consider just how seriously you are taking your collection. I have been writing to my MP for several years in the hope of having a law passed that insists Commodities are stored no lower than three feet from the ground, in case of flooding. Some idiots in Hull lost a very rare ‘Splat the Hedgehog’ Commodity (boxed, WMTT), as they had left it on a bed in their daughters room, during the recent floods. Pathetic. We are still counting the true cost of the Asian Tsunami - with at least 64 (that we know of) unaccounted for ‘Bums the Monkey’s. And they say there’s a God!!

Consideration #3: To Open or not to open

There is no doubt about it, boxed Commodities can fetch up to five times more than their played with counterparts. I would urge you to resist the temptation to “unbox” the Commodity, by taking it out to check it for defects (see above). Ask yourself the simple question, “Will I get $75 worth of pleasure from fingering this Commodity”? If the answer is “no”, then place said Commodity on a very high shelf ( more than three feet above sea-level, which soon will be law anyway), and wait for Aspel to come begging.